The phrase I use most often with clients (and loved ones) after loss is this:
Any words I have are cheap comfort to an overwhelming grief.
So instead I'll just say I'm here however you need.
No words can take away the pain of your loss. The words in this article won't, as much as I wish they could. My hope, however, is that they might provide some guidance on common themes of grief and ideas on how to care for yourself if they arise.
THEME 1: Grief loves guilt
When you’re in the throws of grief, you may find yourself playing some common guilt phrases on repeat (such as “what if . . . ” or “how could I have done better?”or "why didn't I connect with my loved one more often?"). As humans, we want to find someone to blame or hold accountable, and when we’re deeply hurting as we do in loss, we usually choose ourselves as the scapegoat for our criticism.
RESPONSE 1: Practice awareness + calling a “pause”
Awareness
First, be aware that this self-blame is an unfortunate normal response to grief.
Pause
Second, tell your inner critic: "I'll tend to you when I’m not in the middle of a grief episode” and/or “when I’m with someone else.” Let your inner self know you’re just putting a pause on the critiques and that you’ll be back.
As an author I like says, “My mind is a dangerous place, I never go there alone.” So put a pause on all of the what-ifs and set the should-haves aside, and don’t pick them back up until you’re in a better headspace and/or with someone off of your trusted support network list.
THEME 2: Grief doesn’t care about timing
Grief might not hit when you expect it to. You may find that at times that you expect to be sad or it feels appropriate to grieve, you feel nothing. And then at times that feel very unexpected it will hit hard. Grief appears whenever it wants, and it doesn't care about timing, convenience, or decorum.
RESPONSE 2: Welcome the waves when they come (and accept when they don't)
Welcome grief when it hits
As you feel the grief creeping in (and sometimes it will hit like a tidal wave), welcome it. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come. As you do, think about what you need in that moment.
If you’re with people you’re close with and need to be alone, tell them grief is hitting and that you need some space. If you’re with others who you don’t feel comfortable telling what’s going on, come up with whatever you need to say to dismiss yourself (it’s ok to say you’re not feeling well, you have a bad headache, etc.).
If you’re alone and need to be around others, reach out to someone in your support network. If you can’t reach out at that moment for whatever reason, think about what you would say to a friend in your position. Then place your hand over your heart and say those same words to yourself.
Accept when grief is absent (or you don’t feel sad when you thought you would)
Practice radical acceptance. Don’t “should yourself," put any judgment on not grieving, or anaylize what it means. What’s tricky about grief is it often doesn't hit in the times we think it should. Know that the sadness will indeed come, it just may not come when you expect it to.
THEME 3: A lot of people will want to help. Not everyone is actually helpful
It's beautiful how many people want to show up for others during a time of grief. What's not beautiful as that we as a society weren't taught how to care well during grief and/or weren't taught how to be ok with someone else being not ok. As a result, people can say things that aren't helpful and that--often times--can make the pain you're feeling sting even more.
RESPONSE 3: Be selective + get good at boundaries
Be selective
Be selective as you build your support network. Pay attention to the loved ones you feel emotionally safest with, and increase your time around those people.
Boundaries
If you find that you're not feeling cared for (or actually feeling even worse ) when you're around certain people, create boundaries with them. It doesn't matter if they were someone in your closest circle before your loss; in this moment, you need to focus on you.
When people say or ask stupid things, know this:
It’s not out of a lack of love for you. It’s because we as a society suck at grief, and
You do NOT need to be around the stupid comments right now (or really, ever, but especially right now). Whether you want to give the same scripted response to every unhelfpul comment or come up with something on the fly, it is ok to end the conversation and get the hell out.
THEME 4: Grief doesn’t follow rules
A lot of things in the mental health world follow a certain set of parameters. Grief is not one of those. It doesn’t fit a blue print. What worked for one person may not work for you (and what helped you 10 minutes ago may not help now). It—unfortunately—cannot be tied up neatly in a bow.
RESPONSE 4: Honor your needs in the moment
Honor your needs
As you navigate each moment, think about what you need (and know your needs could change on a dime). Whatever your need is in that moment, honor it. If you’re someone who historically is really good at knowing and honoring your needs, feel free to skip ahead to the next section. If you’re someone who struggles to know and do what you need, keep reading for some practical strategies.
Start with basic needs
It might sound simple, but start with your basic needs; they often get overlooked in grief. So ask yourself: have I gotten enough to eat today? If you’re not hungry, could you just put your favorite snack in front of you and try to have a few bites? Have you gotten enough water? Have you gotten some sunlight? Grief is exhausting. Do you need to plan time this weekend to sleep in and rest? Paying attention to your basic needs is a good first step in caring for yourself.
Then move on to deeper needs
Once your basic needs are met, think about your other needs. Do you need increased time with family and friends? Do you need to create more alone time in you schedule? Do you need distraction and fun? Do you need to take a trip on your own to read and journal? Do you need more time outside? Think about what sounds good to you (if nothing sounds good, think about what sounds like it won't make you feel worse), and do that.
When your needs change
Since grief is tricky and doesn't follow rules, what you needed a few minutes ago might not be what you need now.
Did you ask everyone to have a big night out, but now you’re realizing you just need a small, quieter setting? You’re allowed to bail last minute and ask a couple of friends to come to your place.
Are you about to eat dinner but realize you can barely keep your eyes open? Put your food in the fridge and get in bed.
Did you need time alone but now you need a listening ear? Send a text to your closest people and ask if anyone is up for talking.
Now more than ever, practice an awareness and honoring of your needs.
If you're not sure what you need
If you’re not sure what you need because everything feels almost out of body, turn to someone in your trusted support network. Tell them: I don’t even know what I need right now, but would you just be willing to sit with me while I’m in this hazy state? You can’t change what you’re feeling, but you can make sure you’re not alone in it.
THEME 5: You may say or do things you wouldn’t normally say or do
There may be moments where you don’t have your normal level of inhibition. You might act in a way that is out of character for you and later think, “what was I doing?” You may find yourself on edge, keyed up, and tense, feeling annoyed and short with those around you. You may feel irritable and be brash in the way you speak.
RESPONSE 5: Compassion + communication
Compassion for self
Think about the compassion you would give to a friend who had been through what you have been through. Then try and grant yourself the same compassion to yourself.
Communication with others
If it’s with people you’re close with, tell them the truth. This might look something like: “my shortness/attitude/etc. is not about you. I’m in grief mode right now, and it’s giving me a shorter fuse about everything.”
If it’s not someone you feel comfortable being honest with, you can say something like: “if I seem a little off today, it’s because I’m not feeling great. I just wanted you to know it has nothing to do with you.”
THEME 6: Grief is connected
If this isn’t your first experience with loss, feelings from your previously loss(es) will be triggered. It can be confusing to navigate the intertwined layers of grief, and it can make the grief waves feel more intense. It's important to remember that grief is not only the result of a death, so if you've ever experienced loss, past feelings of grief may be triggered.
RESPONSE 6: Give care to yourself and get support from others
Care for self
With your hand over your heart, tell yourself: “of course you’re being reminded of . It would be weird if you weren’t. Anyone who had been through what you’ve been through would be hurting.”
Support from others
If you had sources of support that were particularly helpful during your previous loss, connect with them again. If you did not have much support during your previous loss, now is a good time to get connected. If you never really tended to your grief after your previous loss, you deserve extra support now more than ever (see below for suggested resources).
There will be a time when you no longer feel like
the grief is going to break you in two.
Until then, get good at paying attention to your needs, showing yourself the same
compassion you would to someone else in your situation, and getting support.
As you grieve, you don’t need to carry the pain alone.
Resources
There are a lot of resources that offer support through grief. Great places to start are grief.com. and healgrief.org. Both organizations address grief related to specific types of losses as well as what to expect in both the short and long-term of grieving.
Support groups: all ages
The resource page on healgrief.org offers a pretty extensive list of both national and local support groups.
Support group: 21-45 years old
If you are a young/young-ish adult, the Grief Dinner Party is a great resource. They’re a “a peer-led community of 21-45 year olds who have each experienced significant loss.” They provide resources for others who have lost “a parent, sibling, partner, child, or close friend, whether 3 months ago, 3 years ago, or 3 decades ago.” Instead of professionals, they're real people who understand firsthand significant loss and are here to support you through it.
Books
There are a lot of good readings related to grief, and this list shares some of the top therapist recommend books (while I love their number one recommended book for general reading, I would recommend looking at books 2-17 for grief specific resources).
Therapists
There are a lot of therapists trained specifically in supporting you as you grieve. A good place to start is Psychology Today. You can simply type “grief” in the search bar and search for a therapist licensed in the state where you reside (or in the city where you live if you’re looking to meet in person). If you live in Georgia, you can reach out to me, and I can help you get connected with someone. Any words I have really are a cheap comfort, but I'll work to get you connected with the support you deserve.