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Relief from the Effects of Family Conflict

If you grew up in a family with a lot of conflict and/or had an emotionally immature parent or sibling, some of the following may resonate with you:

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  • You constantly feel like others are mad at you or you’re going to “get in trouble.”

  • You have consistently high critical self-talk.

  • You get a message from a certain family member and immediately feel a pit in your stomach (before you've even read the content of the message!).

  • You experience lows that you think other people would not understand.

  •  At times you feel envious of other people’s seemingly healthy families.

  • You struggle to uphold boundaries.

  • You often feel responsible for the emotional well-being of those around you.

  • You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around a certain family member, and if you say or do the wrong thing, it could  set them off. 

  • You agonize at the thought of disappointing others.

  • When things are going well for you, you think you don’t deserve it or it won’t last . . . you keep "waiting for the other shoe to drop."

  • You think you’re too “messed up” for therapy and that you could never experience lasting relief​.

It may feel like relief isn’t possible, but it is.
I have seen it time and again; the research supports it; and I am here to walk you through it.
 

Woman feeling relief from family conflict

While everyone’s stories are different, below are common themes that come up related to family conflict.

"I want to set boundaries with my family member, but I'm worried

that doing so is mean."

Woman creating boundaries and feeling at peace

Boundaries are actually kind, not only to yourself, but also to your loved one. Without boundaries, resentment can fester and your negative feelings towards that person will grow. With boundaries, you can have a long-term relationship with that person while also feeling safe. In therapy, we'll talk about how to create boundaries you're comfortable with and how to successfully put them in place.​ 

​For kind boundary-setting, I often encourage the mantra: "May I care deeply, without feeling responsible." You may have felt responsible for those around you growing up. You may have even been parentified (your parent or sibling took on a child role in some or many areas and expected you to take on a parent role). We'll work to free you of those feelings of responsibility while still maintaining the care for your loved one and for others. 

"I try to have boundaries with my loved one, but they keep ignoring

the boundaries."

That's unfortunately really common. That person benefitted from you not having boundaries, so he/she is not going to be excited about you putting them up. We'll talk about how to create effective boundaries—including scripts for them—as well as what to do in the moment when a boundary isn't respected. Our work will also involve cultivating resilience and self-compassion. Cultivating boundaries is freaking HARD, especially with someone you've never had them with before and who doesn't want you to have them.​

"I want a relationship with my family member, but most every time I interact with them, I feel bad about myself." 

The first step may seem small, but it is crucial: you have to grieve. Ideally your family member would have been a source of comfort, strength, stability, and kindness, and you deserve to grieve that that is not the case. I will guide you through and sit with you in that grief. Then we'll move onto the other steps, including learning skills that keep you feeling safer emotionally when interacting with that person. We'll also discuss steps to take to continue to cultivate healthy relationships with other people in your life. 

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These positive relationships create  corrective emotional experiences. They grant you healing and strength and provide a roadmap of what healthy relationships look like. They can build you up in a way that you don't get as easily or as quickly pulled down when you are around your family member. Just as hurt happens in a relationship, healing happens in a relationship. 

Friends find healing with chosen family

"I speak really negatively to myself in situations that have nothing to do with my family, but it somehow feels related."

How we speak to ourselves as adults is formed by how we were spoken to as children. We will look at how your upbringing fueled the cycle of negative messages you tell yourself and how you can be aware of, challenge, and rewrite those messages. We will work together to help you establish a strong sense of self and to understand that your-self worth is not contingent on what anyone thinks of you.

"I struggle to regulate my emotions . . . I don't feel as stable
as I'd like, and I worry I never will be."

As humans, we learn how to "be" in the world by what our parents modeled for us. If you had a chaotic upbringing, your inner world as an adult may feel chaotic. If your home life was good some of the time and terrible at other times, you may vacillate between happy and experiencing really low lows that you struggle to regulate. I hate that you have to deal with that; I know it feels overwhelming. AND I can't say it enough: change really is possible. We'll use a lot of strategies to bring about that change, but one of the main ones is called reparenting. 

Reparenting involves learning how to grant yourself the consistent kindness, peace, assurance, nurturing, and sense of security you did not receive in your household. That inner voice that tells you that you're bad or that causes you to emotionally spiral about something you know isn't that big of a deal? Eventually, it will become a whisper. And your loudest inner voice will be replaced by one that combines gentleness and strength, consistently meeting you with kindness, empathy, and encouragement. I can't wait to help you make that change.  When you're ready, I'll be here. 

Woman practices reparenting and feels worthy
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